{32} love

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Thirty-one was tumultuous.

I lost people I love, both permanently in the dying kind of way and in the just growing in different directions kind of way...both have caused heartache and doubt.

I fought my way through the mother fucker (haha!) that is post partum depression.

I have fought and continue to fight the feelings of shame/guilt/failure I associate with having had depression.

I have learned it's ok to fall down...eventually I pick myself up and, until I do, the people who love me best pull/drag/carry me along and keep me going.

Thirty-one was a tough and challenging year, but the beauty of the tough and challenging? Sweet and beautiful growth.

And, as of yesterday, I am thirty-two.

I love where I am at. I really do.

I feel like I am in this place of amazing renewal and regrowth.

Thirty-two of my biggest loves at this very moment:

1) P and B...obvi.

2) Our house...the first one in my fourteen years since leaving the ranch that has actually felt like "home".

3) Writing this blog!

4) My camera.

5) Yoga and the yoga course I am taking.

6) Sobaya soba noodles with broccoli, feta and lemon...not at all a technical culinary marvel, but a healthy mess of comfort food!

7) Family.

8) Kevin.

9) P's determination and confidence. Little man doesn't think there is a thing in the world he can't do but also knows he has to work hard to accomplish these lofty goals of his.

10) Witnessing P and B's relationship grow and develop.

11) Feeling excited, content and optimistic.

12) Listening to Lana Del Rey, Gotye and Of Monsters and Men.

13) This mellow, gentle winter we are experiencing.

14) A daily dose of smiles and perspective from these great blogs...click here, here, here, here, oh, and here.

15) The way B's little body melts into mine when he cuddles. And that he still loves to be snuggled up close to me. And that when he's feeling particularly bothered he will melt against me, jam his hand down my shirt and squeeze my boob like a stress ball...he may no longer be nursing but he still remembers the comfort the "girls" gave him!

16) That I live in a time where I can so easily capture and document our life together...hopefully the wee men will someday love looking back on all of these photos and words.


19) Hollyberry natural lotions and soaps.

20) That I am certain that I am a really damn good mumma.

21) That we're probably getting a puppy this year.

22) Our neighborhood. Yes, we live in the city, which is not this country girl's dream, but our neighborhood remains pretty dreamy. Big trees, an environmental reserve, an awesome park, the river two blocks away, too many great restaurants, the sense of community...le sigh.

23) Friends.

24) Sleeping. We're in a good place with little ones *mostly* sleeping through the night...I really love that.

25) Parks and Recreation.

26) My daily cup of coffee.

27) Exploration...self, world, relationships.

28) Can I use P and B again? How about specifics? Their dance moves, the way B spontaneously drops into downward dog, that P grabs the lululemon bag with the yoga pose silhouettes on it and tries to do them all, that he calls that bag his "exjurcise" bag, that P wants to hold our hands until he falls asleep, B's growing vocabulary, B's hair (!), that P is so responsible and such a thinker and that B is already a little shit disturber and so goofy...they are perfect little yins to each other's yangs. I am so grateful they chose me.

29) Instagram...follow me @kaelklass.

30) Adobe Lightroom.

31) Almost anything skull and cross bones.

32) Wearing my tall woolly socks over my skinny jeans and under my riding boots.

Thirty-two loves to explore this year:

1) Shooting more in manual mode.

2) My animal totem.

3) A return to running.

4) Riding my horse more. Ok, riding her at all. Poor old girl has been neglected since the advent of the wee men.

5) Not defeating myself before I even start.

6) My yoga home practice. I will get on my mat every day, even if it's just for a minimum of ten sun salutations.

7) Taking classes...at the moment I am thinking along the lines of photography, biking, dressage, something artistic.

8) Join a women's bike group and get out riding at least once a week.

9) Listen to and follow my instincts.

10) Finishing the boys photo books...yes, I was hoping to be done this by my birthday.

11) Teaching yoga again.

12) Going to bed earlier.

13) Waking up before the boys, as opposed to being woken up by the boys!

14) Making date nights with P a weekly affair.

15) More girlfriend time.

16) Become a better housekeeper...stop sniggering Mom. And Kev. AND you two as well, Tara and Eliza!

17) Preparing more foods from scratch. For example, when I make pasta, make the sauce from fresh tomatoes as opposed to just using a jar of premade pasta sauce.

18) Baking our bread.

19) Baking cookies with the boys.

20) Worrying less about pleasing everyone all the time.

21) Trying to be less of a cheeky pain in the butt...this one's for you Kev!

22) Making more of an effort to stay in touch with people.

23) Get away somewhere on my own.

24) Be more organized.

25) Curb my love for shopping. WAH!

26) Make the quilt that I bought the fabric for SO MANY months ago.

27) Painting my fingernails.

28) Growing our vegetables in containers this year as I filled their spot with perennial flowers at the end of last summer.

29) More farmer's marketing.

30) Straight up ignoring that little voice of doubt/excuses that likes to show up inside my head every now and again.

31) Lunch dates with my Klassen ladies.

32) Learn to make zwieback.

My favourite photos from the weekend.

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